Incomplete

I'd try to go on like I never knew you

I'm awake but my world is half asleep...

Today, I revisited the moments of my younger days. I grew up watching various cartoons and action shows. So, naturally, Sailor moon was one of them. I am a big Sailor moon fan...mainly cause I loved watching Tuxedo Mask's scenes. And from that day I knew I had fallen in love with Tuxedo Mask. His name in the English translation version was Darien Shields. I think it was that moment that I started falling in love with people that had their name start with the letter D. I think that is why I am also in love with Donghae. Anyways, while I watched Sailor moon I used to surf on the internet and search for fan-made music videos of the anime. And...I found quite a few. 

I have a huge collection of those music videos. I watch them from time to time but today was a special day. I guess I was feeling really nostalgic, sad, or lonely or a mix of all those emotions. I was listening to Backstreet boys music and I came across the song Incomplete. I hadn't listened to this song in years. Surprisingly, this is the perfect song I needed for my mood. Instantly, it reminded me of a fan-made Sailor Moon music video I used to watch...and so here I am posting about it. 

I honestly thank Dejanatalis (Starlight Palace production) for making the video. I will forever love it! 

As you can hear from the song, this is how I feel these days. This song has a feeling of loneliness and emptiness, all best descriptions of being incomplete. Besides, I needed to hear a very painful song to even try to diminish a small amount of darkness inside me. 

아마 종말의 시작이 때문에니까  내 마음이 정말 아파요.

Credits: All Right Reserved.
Sailor Moon, Dejanatalis, Naoko Takeuchi, Backstreet boys; Incomplete, 

아직난 몰라

I don't know yet.

I think I will write a more serious blog today. I recently turned 25 and for the past 6 months there have been many talks of marriage. It's either my friends are getting married, or my friend's friends, or family friends, or cousins, or distance relatives, or co-workers, or classmates or any one within a close proximity of my social circle. The point is there is some one some where having talks of marriage or getting married. And of course, my parents also suggest for me to start thinking about marriage. The funny thing is, I have thought about marriage ever since I was 14 years old. Now, I have never thought about it in a way that most girls are pre-conditioned to think in. The "dream wedding", the one where every girl imagines how her wedding would be like, how her husband would be like or what she will wear. No, no. For me, it is quite the opposite. Call me a bit cynical but I did not have any thought of marriage. Not even for a bit. More so I thought, Why? Why do I have to be married to be able to live in this world? I know the obvious reasons; to procreate, to have some one there for the rest their life, to be secure, loved and full. But all those reasons were still not convincing enough for me. In fact, at the age of 14, I despised the thought of marriage or that I would have to live the rest of my life with another man. Through out the years I have come to understand the underlining thought and mostly it has to do with the relationship of my parents. It is the main factor but also I never personally thought of being with someone. I didn't think it was the life for me, to this point I still don't. Is that so bad? Is that so selfish of me? Why do I have to get married? It's not like I want any kids. And even if I did, I don't want to produce my own. Recently, I came to a conclusion that I could adopt children. There are millions of children who need a home so why not give them one...I would feel much better by adopting a child than producing my own. And it is not like I want my legacy to live on.
So back to my main topic, marriage. I still don't feel the need to marry or be with someone for the rest of my life. I am perfectly content being on my own. I have my dear friends that withhold my social life and those are the people I would rather hang out and spend the rest of my life with. And you know what, I am extremely uncomfortable having someone sleep next to me at night. I spent most of my life sleeping alone on a bed and learning about myself by myself and I am just comfortable with it. If suddenly I am to get married then I would repel more than ever. How can you possibly get close to someone and expect to be near them constantly? It takes me at least 2 years to start opening up to a friend whether it be a boy or a girl, so with marriage it will take 3 times longer....
Maybe I am being too pessimistic about this...but I have experienced being in love, being in a relationship, and my thought of marriage has not changed.  Maybe I have not met the right person. {isn't that what people say?} All I know is I am not expecting nor waiting for that person. Because it is not some thing that I want or need from life. I will just go about my daily life and make each day count. If, fate comes knocking on my door then maybe I will let it in. Just maybe...

I also discovered some thing really interesting. As you know, my favourite Korean pop music band is the boy band, Super Junior. Well, one of their members got married last year on Dec 13th. 2014. I deeply congratulate him! The member Lee Sungmin was married to Kim Sa Eun. I couldn't be more happy for them. It's about time these men got married. They are all around the age of 30. So, as a result, the leader of the group Park Jung Soo, a.k.a. LeeTeuk did an interview about the topic of marriage. And he openly discussed that marriage was not in his mind. He might want to get married later on but he doesn't purposely seek for someone. He still finds sleeping with someone uncomfortable and that frequently thinks whether there is really a need to be married.

Leeteuk`s article

As I read the article, I felt more assured that I am not the only one thinks this way. That someone that I deeply admire also feels and is going through what I am thinking. I have always loved Leeteuk for his selflessness and acts of kindness and care towards the members of Super Junior but this time I felt a connection that even though I`m sure these men would want to be married, there is one of them that might be still considering whether marriage is the way to go. I respected him a lot more. I think at that moment I didn`t feel so alone regardless with all the people around me talking about marriage or undergoing it themselves.



Credits: Koreaboo

Stay

I have so many things to say and ideas to write on this blog and yet I keep forgetting or rather neglecting to post. Now that it is a new year, I would like to make a promise to myself and post more. I also want to write more personal topics and things related to my life because...well...I just need to let off some steam. :)

So, today's topic is Stay. Recently, I started listening to an American pop musician. Her name is Taylor Swift. I'm sure many people around the world know her or heard of her music. Well, I listened to her recent album 1989. Can you believe it? I'm the same age as her. I know I don't. Makes me wonder what I have been doing with my life...but then again, I wouldn't know how to live a life of fame and fortune. Regardless, I've begun to like her music. There are several songs in her album that I like such as; Blank Space, Style, Wildest Dreams, This love, and Clean. But this post is going to be about the song All you had to do was Stay, and a bit personal.

For those who haven't heard of this song, you can listen to it hear...

All You Had to do was Stay - Taylor Swift

So...the reason I like this song. I like it because of the lyrics, the beat, and rhythm. I have been listening to it non-stop for two nights.
I have made some deep conclusions as to why I like listening to this song. Here is some back story first. I had a friend for 5 years and we became really close but because of events beyond our control we were not able to move forward from a friendship to a relationship and so we had to stop being friends with each other. And so this leads me to now, I have been thinking a lot about this person, and how much I loved him and how great it would be if we were still friends. More so a lover, I miss my friend. I miss the person behind the friendship. I wished that person would stay in my life but I knew that it was not possible.
And so, this brings me back to the song. Although the song is about a relationship, and even though we were not in a relationship, I really felt like we were in one and that we can relate to the song. I don't necessarily feel the same way in the song, I don't resent the decision that was made (it was a mutual agreement) but slowly...the thought of 'if the chance ever came back, then it would be too late' occasionally occurs. And honestly, that hurts the most. Because I am afraid of the thought coming true and even just having the possibility of that thought.
And so just like the song says, All you had to do was Stay, I would say it to the person but I know it was not their fault nor anyone's. Just life in general. And even if they did stay then it would just be a friendship and we both knew that it wasn't good enough.
I'm glad I don't know what will happen in the future.

It's been almost a month since we stopped talking and it has been really empty. I think feeling empty is more painful than a broken heart. It hurts to think about it, or even talk about it so I haven't really discussed it much. As I write this post, I can feel the sharp pain in my heart. I hope one day I will be okay. So, I'm just taking it one step at a time.



Credits: Taylor Swift, Big Machine