The moment of all truth

This sums up my emotions about my life. I discovered this feeling one week ago and every thing makes sense after that. I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm terrified of making that one step towards the things that make me happy. I'm afraid that it might not work out or that i'm not qualified enough. I'm afraid of the change that I have to undergo because where I am right now is comfortable but it doesn't fulfill me. So does that mean I have to get out of my comfort zone in order to do the things I love? I think I already know the answer to that. But its so hard to do that. I think the fact that I realized this means that I'm getting one step closer to overcoming it. I haven't been out in the real world in a very long time and I have no clue how to do things or say things and most of the time I don't have much confidence in myself but slowly I'll learn it all....right? 

お金や幸福...돈과 행복?

Today, my manager at work asked me a question.
"What matters more to you, money or happiness?" My answer was....Happiness.
Then we got into a deep conversation about money and happiness. I haven't had these deep conversations in months beyond months. I crave these talks a lot but hardly get chances to talk to anyone about them. So it was really nice to finally have a philosophical conversation with some one.
So back to the main topic....Money or Happiness? Well my manager said that most people he asked had said money or that they always hesitate to answer the question. I, on the other hand, didn't hesitate. I told him why I didnt hesitate. I didn't hesitate because I had already thought about this long time ago, and of course the obvious answer would be happiness but I didn't choose it for that. I chose it because thats what I really want from life. But also cause being happy is some thing I have control over. It doesn't matter what life I live or how much money I make but rather that I enjoy making it, right? I would love to be rich cause that would be nice but that also comes from working hard and being reasonable with money. Besides being happy is just a state of mind...so a not-so-well off person can be happy too, right? It all depends on how you look at it and what your attitude is towards the situation. I think it doesn't hurt to be well-off but everything comes with a price. I just know that I'd like to live a calm and happy life. I don't know how long it will be till I get that wish but I have to hope for it.

My fate for the past months...

Today, I was watching a t.v. show and there was a quote said by one of the main actresses. The character recited a quote from a book that she had read.

She said "There is no right answer in life...Don`t look for answers. Right and wrong answers co-exist in every decision. Wise people make a choice and make it the right answer. Foolish people regret the decision and make it the wrong decision. There is no right answer in life. There is only the process to make it the right answer."

 When I heard this I was reminded of my past memories. I think around this time I was conflicted with life decisions and once again around this time i`m struggling with the same thing. The decisions I make now are different from last year but nevertheless they involve a big change in my life. The quote that I wrote above, I had a similar thought of it about 4 years ago. I think it was good to be reminded of it again. I realized once again that there is no right or wrong answer, that no matter what I decide with my life, there will always be a pro and a con. It just depends on how I deal with it. But...I`m so afraid to make this decision. More afraid than anything than I have ever faced in my life. I have to battle with what kind of life I want to live verses the life someone else wants me to live. I`m afraid that if I go against them then they will never see me for the way I really am. I wish that if I decide to go down this path then I hope the other person will respect my decision. Trying to choose who you are and who you want to be isn`t easy.

Lately, I have been severely depressed and its been a real struggle trying to get back up but slowly I`m doing my best. I never thought I`d be this depressed in my life...I just hope it passes soon because I really don`t have any strength for anything. I have discovered that depression sucks the life out of you, like a Dementor sucking someone`s soul. You don`t feel like eating, don`t like doing anything, even the most minor tasks, you just want to lay in bed all day but don`t sleep either. And when you do sleep, you sleep for hours. The minor tasks in daily life become a chore. You have no interest in anything, and no physical strength to do it. You stare off into space for hours without realizing it. You have no desire to be with people, just hearing the thought of going outside gives you goosebumps. Thinking about people being outside and how you have to interact with them makes you want to run away. Going to school is a chore because there are too many people on campus. You get excited every time the teacher cancels class. You find any excuse possible to not go to class. Some times you don`t even have the strength to get up. You listen to music but even that doesn`t help. You can`t even put a fake smile in front of people...its too much effort for the muscles..so you have a stoic expression. Even speaking is a big effort. Speaking the less amount of words is more comfortable. You tell yourself that it will pass, it can`t get any worse but it gets worse the next day. Some time you wish it would go away but most of the time you swallow in your own misery. Only you can save yourself but some times you don`t want to be saved. Its an endless cycle.
This is what I have been feeling. Its good to get it off my chest. I`m grateful that I`m not dealing with this alone or else it would be ten times worse. :)

Love that I need

 

  사랑, 愛、Love...they all mean the same thing but in different languages. Its amazing how much power this one word holds. A power to give someone strength or to break them. Lately, i've been listening to this song "Love that I need" and I can't help but be in love with this song. Just like the love that I need, Love gives me the power to keep going, to keep going forward.I really like listening to this song and singing along. I also like this song because i am love struck. I can't help it and some times I wish I wasn't but I am. It brightens my day to think about that person. I wish that person would come in my dreams every night and cheer me on.

 I'm grateful to have met you. <3



Lyrics:
Romanization

Madobeni tatazunde kimiwa sora wo nagameteru
Yawarakai higashiga kimi wo dakishimeteru mitai
Kiseki unmei shinjitenakatta boku e to
Tatta hitori maiorita kimi sa

Nanimo iranai nanimo kaketemonai
Konna kimochi kimi to onaji dayo ne

*** (chorus)
You & Me te to te tsunaidara
You & Me kaze wo kanji tsuzukete
Hohaba wo awasete hitomi wo kawashite
U, U, U give me just the love that I need, I need, I need
I need

Kimi to boku wa niteite
Sou omoeba seihantai da
Atarashi hakken bakari da
Fushigi de ureshiku naru

Kotae wa nai sagasu riyuu mo nai
Ai ni michiru rikutsu wo koete yuku

You & Me kokoro no tonari ni
You & Me otagai wo kanjiteru
Kotoba ga nakutemo chigau ningen demo
U, U, U give me just the love that I need

Rap (Henry)
Kimi ga itekureru koto ga
Issho ichido dake no kiseki
Ame no hi wa yori soi warai ai
Hareta hi wa kakedashite warai au oh
Kimi ga ireba nanimo kamo ga
Umaku iku you na ki ga surunda
Kimi ga iru mainichi wa kirei de
Dakara utagoe wa tokirenai

Nando demo yoru ga akete asahi ga noboru mitai ni
Egao wo kasanetai dokomademo hatenaku
Boku wa kimi nashi de ano sora no iro ni sae
Umaku kizukenaiyo baby

repeat ***

You & Me oh (I need I need)
Nani mo iranaiyo yeah (I need I need)
Kawaranaide (I need I need)
Give me just the love that I need

English translation

Standing still by the window, you’re staring at the sky
Seems like you’re hugged by the soft sunlight
Miracle, fate, to me who didn’t believe
Only you alighted

Nothing is needed, nothing to be damaged
This feeling, you’re feeling the same right ?

*** (chorus)
You & Me, when we link hand to hand
You & Me, continue to feel the wind
Matching the steps, changing the eyes
U, U, U give me just the love that I need, I need, I need
I need

You and me are alike
When we think like that, its bipolar
Nothing but new finding
It’s weird, and I’m happy

There’s no answer, there’s no reason to find
Full of love, beyond the theory

You & Me, beside the heart
You & Me, feeling each other
Even if there’s no word, even if there’s different person
U, U, U give me just the love that I need

Rap (Henry)
The thing that you’re for me
Is a miracle once in a lifetime
On rainy days, cuddle together and laughing matchly,
On bright days, start running and laughing together oh
When you’re here, anything and everything
I have a feeling I can do well
Every day is lovely with you
So I couldn’t pause the singing voice

Any number of times, like the day breaks and the sun rises
I want to pile up the smiles, to finish everywhere
Me without you, even the color of the sky
I can’t do well baby

***repeat

You & Me oh (I need I need)
I don’t need anything yeah (I need I need)
Never change (I need I need)
Just give me the love that I need

Credits: sup3rjunior.com